Gas ‘terrorism’

Recently, a wave of reports of tragic incidents caused by the improper handling of gas cylinders has passed through Telegram channels. Yesterday in Efremov, Tula oblast, and today in Novosibirsk, there was an explosion of household gas. And again, the whole entrance collapsed, and a number of apartments were completely demolished. Four people died yesterday, one today.

Some unscrupulous authors link the reasons for such explosions to the fact that “most of the inhabitants of the gas superpower have no gas in their homes, and they use gas cylinders, the misuse of which leads to regular catastrophic consequences”. Allegedly, no neighboring country, which borders the Russian Federation, has so frequent and so massive emergencies as a result of the explosion of gas cylinders.

From all this, a politics-oriented conclusion is drawn, such as: “Russians are ready to boast as much as they want of the status of a gas superpower without having this gas in their home or using such a cylinder that could burst at any moment!”

A closer examination of the problem, as usual, leads to somewhat different conclusions. We received insider information from a source close to Gazprom’s management and the competent authorities who tracked and investigated the mysterious “household gas explosions”. It makes us look at the emerging picture in a completely different way. Below is a direct statement from an anonymous source close to Gazprom and the FSB:

“You don’t understand anything! These are all results of the penetration of the Ukrainian sabotage-reconnaissance groups (SRGs) into Novosibirsk and Tula. My best friend’s wife’s brother works in the Emergency Department in Novosibirsk, and he told us that they were instructed on the results of the investigation of the causes of ‘domestic’ accidents with gas cylinders. These are not ‘domestic’ reasons. The explosion occurs when the filling limit of the cylinders is exceeded. If the gas is pumped above the norm, under the tie, and refueling was made in the cold outside or in an unheated room, when entering the house, the gas expands during heating, which leads to an explosion. And the overflow of cylinders is the result of Ukrainian and Polish SRGs’ penetrating into the storage of gas cylinders at the filling point. These enemy groups of up to 30 fighters are supplied with a special diet rich in fiber (the infamous Ukrainian borscht), which causes an increased level of meteorism in organisms. The saboteurs, breaking into the storage facilities at night, all night long are farting (emitting gases) into cylinders to be sent to consumers, thus preparing them for explosions in the kitchens of our peaceful homes. But the competent authorities of the country, being always on the alert, developed a set of measures to change the procedure of cylinder refilling. Now they will refill only half (at the previous price). Analysis of the gas formation of saboteurs, according to a study conducted by our top biologists, will be insufficient to maliciously overfill gas cylinders. I mean, there won’t be a lot of explosions anymore! In turn, the population must be vigilant and, in order to avoid terrorist attacks, carefully sniff out cylinders at gas refilling points. Control sniffing is better to carry out in places remote from the working premises of filling point personnel, so that foreign smells of the personnel of enterprises do not interfere with the comparison. Just in case, keep in mind that our personnel have the nature of meteor products similar to the smell of lilies, and Ukrainian terrorists have it aggressive and disgusting, like everything Ukrainian.”

Thus, the citizens of the Russian Federation could sleep peacefully, knowing that the Government headed by the President would not tolerate gas terror against the country ‘ s civilian population. The supply of gas cylinders will be controlled, and the temporary reduction in the supply of cylinders will be compensated by the delivery to consumers of burghs and fuel materials (wood, pellets, coal, peat) at the price established depending on the region and climate. Every Russian family will be able to feel the concern of the government.

It should also be reported that Gazprom experts are working on the issue of dissemination of gas substitution experience in the country in case of penetration of the Ukrainian SRDs on the territory of the passage of the main gas pipelines. After all, according to the latest reports from the special military operation fronts, the Ukrainian-Nazis can be expected to carry out major diversionary terrorist operations throughout our country. But they can’t do that! Still, most of our territory, thanks to the wise policy of the Government, is provided with traditional stove heating for Russians!

“Gas terror will not win!” The civilian population can safely use their stoves and completely fearlessly fart in their kitchens, there won’t be any explosions.